I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize