I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
