Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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