whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
