i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Green mimosas i think yes
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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