We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I think my nap took me to another dimension
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
