He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
