Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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