So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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