You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
