well I can't set my house on fire every night
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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