piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
