eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize