Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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