Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Randomize
