they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize