remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
