he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
