my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
