i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
