Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
