oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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