who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
