I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
