she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
