i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
