Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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