life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
