I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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