The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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