i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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