tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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