**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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