i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
