As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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