Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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