Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
