Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So apparently I’m into choking now
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
