I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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