Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
