I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
