i think i have two assholes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I still have a little drunk in my system
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
