my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Randomize
