that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Enjoy the penises
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
