You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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