My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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