why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
