her vagine was all disorganized.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Ladies don't puke and tell
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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