low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
i now understand why vodka
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
