they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
