My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
