Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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