Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
