then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize