My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
