You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
