Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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