I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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