I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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