Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
