Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
