Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
