I can text with my tongue
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
