when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
